Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The patented testimony

One man we were defending had a really tough case. He was accused of spousal abuse. This was the testimony we prepared him for (the stuff in parentheses was the jury, who were so enamored by the defendant they repeated him in tune):

I used to be cruel to my woman
I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved
Man, I was mean but I'm changing my scene
And I'm doing the best that I can

I admit it's getting better
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
Yes, I admit it's getting better, it's getting better
Since you've been mine (Getting so much better all the time)

It's getting better all the time
(Better Better Better)
It's getting better all the time
(Better Better Better)
Getting so much better all the time

Verdict: NOT GUILTY!

Note: Will Be Out of the Office June 28th, 2009-July 3rd, 2009

**NOTE: Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Attorneys At Law will be CLOSED June 28th-July 3rd, 2009**

The entire firm, on request of Attorney Harrison, will be in India studying with master prosecutor and Sitar player Ravi Shankar.

When we return rest assured that our prosecution techniques will be much more drug addled and not as main stream as they were when we began.

Success Story: Mr. Kite

Before Mr. Kite arrived to Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Attorneys At Law he was poor, out of his luck, performing for people on trampolines. After leaving, he gets shows put on for him on trampolines.

What happened? Mr. Kite decided to challenge the world in a court of law. That's right, Mr. K sued the Planet Earth and won.

One day, Mr. K was performing a show flying through rings when he missed a landing and thudded hard on the earth... well rather than suing the makers of the trampoline, or the ring, Spt. Peppers convinced Mr. Kite that the ground he fell on was to blame. After all, he wouldn't have broken his arm had he not hit the Earth so hard. So he sued Mother Earth.

He is now flying high with 6.5 million in settlement, and has enough money to ensure that his shows are second to none.

In this way, Mr. K challenged the world.

Contact us now to see how you can make a bunch of money.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A Personal Message From Lead Attorney Billy Shears

Hi there!

Welcome to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Attorneys at Law. If you're looking for a representative to help you out with your divorce settlement, personal liability, fake Paul is Dead hoaxes or any other number of legal actions, we are the firm for you.

But how can we trust you, you ask?

Well, I am the one and only Billy Shears, and let me tell you right now that we are a firm for the white collar and blue collar. Lend us your ears and we'll sing you many tunes of getting our clients more money than they've ever seen. We believe that everyone has the right to legal action, and we have to believe that in this world things are getting better all the time. But there are still those areas that need a little fixing. That's where we come in. Fixing those holes.

All of our employees, with the exception of Ringo Starr, CPA, hold legal degrees and will help you to the best of your abilities. Ringo kind of tags along. He's decent at his job, but I wouldn't say he's the best by any means. But if there are any tax questions he is more than adequate.

So thank you for putting your trust in us. We hope to provide you with the best support.

We'd like to thank you once again,


Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Attorneys At Law